


All Sorts Of Heartbreak

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, Love Triangle, M/M, Michael's in love with luke, Self Harm, Whos dating Ashton, attempted suicide, in love with calum, national suicide awareness day, national suicide prevention day, square??, why am i writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:32:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4751582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael is familiar with all kinds of heartbreak. </p><p>A complicated love story in which Michael is torn between comforting Luke's broken heart and nursing his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Sorts Of Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> Basically listened to Jet Black Heart on repeat whilst eating icecream whilst crying because the guy I like has a girlfriend and I'm not good enough. He reminds me of Luke- he's such a sweetheart. 
> 
> I'm like Michael. Nerdy, just a bit bitter, and overlooked.

_The heart wants what the heart wants_ is probably the dumbest yet most truthful statement that Michael has ever heard. His heart certainly wants the last thing it should have. 

He's experienced heart break before, but never so complicated or deep a kind as this- when he's laying in a hospital bed alone because he can't bear to see his three best friends. Because he tried to kill himself. 

It doesn't matter what kind of heartbreak it is- it's trying to kill him regardless.

 

 

 

He's learned to hide all sorts of heartbreak since he was very young. It worked because he got good at it and it worked because no one wanted to see it, but it was there, visible in his hollow cheeks and covered arms. Underneath his clothing, heartbreak was to be seen in his protruding bones and the lines- white and red- on his wrists. 

The road to the hospital bed began when he was very young, but it accelerated one day when he was only twenty years old. 

It starts with Luke crying in his arms as they lie in a hotel bed. It's dark and Michael is curled around the sobbing boy. Michael's heart breaks twice- once for himself and once for Luke.

"I think I love him," Luke sniffles. Michael curls tighter around him and says nothing. 

Luke's feelings for Calum had been surprisingly well hidden, but Luke had confided them in Michael. For Michael, it was a daily struggle- to be the only one trusted with this piece of Luke, but to have it conflict with his own feelings. 

 _I know I love you_ , his heart cries, but while the heart may _want_ what the heart wants, it rarely _gets_ what it wants- and Michael does not let it speak. 

"I know," he whispers instead. "I'm so sorry."

He's torn again, because Calum and Ashton were always meant to be and Luke and Calum weren't, but the boy he loves is experiencing heartbreak that Michael wants no one to feel. His familiarity with heartbreak has only made it harder. 

There's not much to do but hold Luke in his arms and wish it meant something different. He feels guilty, as if he is taking advantage of Luke by comforting him and letting his imagination pretend his feelings are reciprocated.

Later, when Luke has cried himself to sleep, he disentangles himself from the younger boy and purges himself of the guilt. 

It's fine, it's not a habit- he saves it for special occasions. But all that comes up is stomach acid. He hasn't been able to eat since Calum and Ashton announced their relationship, almost physically ill with concern for Luke. Eventually, hearbreak leads to a broken spirit. Michael cannot let Luke break. So he holds him through the long nights, makes him tea when he can't sleep, finds him food or clothes when he doesn't want to get up. He holds back his hair after he gets drunk and then throws up, then washes him and tucks him into bed. 

He helps Luke hide, he helps him function. But he cannot make him live. Only time can heal this wound, but Michael knows it will. It has to. It slowly tears Michael apart, but he pretends that every inch he tears is another inch of Luke that is brought back together. It gets him through the days. 

Luke isn't as good at pretending as Michael is, but they're on break and Calum and Ashton are in their honeymoon phase. No one suspects a thing. Michael suggests they go on a vacation together, and they head to America for a few weeks. Luke cries out loud the first night they're gone. 

Michael's heart breaks again when Luke begins to question. 

"Am I not good enough?" or "of course Ash deserves him, they're perfect."

"No," Michael denies. "You're perfect. The person who gets you will be the luckiest person alive. You deserve so much better." 

Luke doesn't read into it too much, for which Michael is grateful. 

 

 

 

He wants to be happy for his friends. He wants to congratulate them and crack terrible jokes, but this time his jokes will not bring out Luke's beautiful laugh, and he holds back. He wants to shake Calum for not seeing Like right in front of him, but Ashton is so deserving of happiness too and Calum gives him that and he gives it to Calum in turn. 

Once he bitterly thinks that it's Luke's heart that has messed this up, that if Luke loved him instead, everything could be perfect. He burns his arm in shame that night. It's not fair- _the heart wants what the heart wants_ and Luke can control his love for Calum no more than Michael can control his love for Luke.

His weight drops faster and his arms become covered in small neat lines, but Luke begins to heal. Inch for inch, he reminds himself. He gives and Luke unwittingly takes, and falling apart has never felt worth it until now. 

 

 

 

"Why did I fall for the wrong person?" Luke asks one night. 

"We all do at least once," Michael says. "We're only human. We think with our hearts and not with our heads." 

"I think my head would love you," Luke whispers. 

Michael's heart hammers long after Luke is sleeping as he agonizes over that one sentence. It's futile. Even when Luke recovers from this heartbreak, he will not love Michael. He will find someone much better. 

 

 

 

Slowly the nights change to sleeping silently in each other's arms. No more tears are shed. Then it morphs into getting to know the more serious side of each other, sides they don't talk about nearly enough. 

"I feel too much," Michael confesses. He doesn't call it by name- anxiety. And he doesn't talk about how deadly it is when mixed with depression. 

"It's your big heart," Luke smiles genuinely. 

"I have to have at least one good trait," Michael jokes, wanting to prolong that smile. But the smile fades. Luke rolls over until they're facing, noses almost touching. 

"Hey, there are many great things about you." He's whispering, as if the moment is delicate. "Never forget that."

Michael stares at himself in the mirror for a while after Luke is asleep, trying to find the good traits. He sees nothing. 

 

 

 

His heart breaks again when Luke is fully healed. But he can be happy for Calum and Ashton. Luke is the one to crack stupid jokes about them and everything is fine again. Except for the fact that Michael poured everything left in him into Luke. He's hollowed out, now. 

His spirals mentally. Cuts get deeper, purging more frequent. He thinks about death a lot and it begins to feel as if there wouldn't even be consequences, despite the fact that logically he knows there would be. His heart leads, his mind can only protest in vain- and the heart knows no common sense. 

His bandmates are better than ever and he is dying. 

 

 

 

The decision isn't that hard. If he'd be honest with himself, he'd admit that he had made it weeks, even months, before. 

He's drained of everything and he has no words to write. He simply pens 'I'm sorry' on a scrap of paper and leaves it with his things. 

He is sorry. He's sorry to inconvenience anyone. He's sorry he had to be the band failure. He's reached the end of the road.

He gets into the tub fully clothed and slits his wrists. 

 

 

 

He wakes up. He's angry and disoriented. He's not dead, he's _alive_ and _screaming_ and _fighting_ -

 

 

 

They sedate him. He wakes up calm but bitter and refuses visitors. He can't turn on the television because he knows he will be on there. He heard Luke arguing with someone outside the door because he wants to go in. He heard Luke crying. 

He's living with the consequences he tried so hard to ignore. 

 

 

 

Luke gets in, somehow, and his face crumples when he sees Michael pale and small in the hospital bed. Michael's heart breaks again. 

"You _fucker_ ," Luke chokes out before his arms are around Michael and he's sobbing. "Why didn't you say something?"

"You were more important," Michael says dully. "I wanted you to get better."

"You-" Luke is speechless. "Okay, you know what- you want me to be selfish? Try this. I had a crush on Calum but I healed quickly. What happened next was harder: I fell for you. I fucking _love_ you." He chokes through the words. "So you're not allowed to- to do this. I'm sorry if I made things weird but I love you so much, you can't just give up on me here!"

Michael stares at him. Then- "I've been in love with you for years," he says. 

Luke's eyes widen as he processes the information. "So those nights when I cried to you because- you loved me this whole time?"

"Yeah." Michael's voice cracks and his heart races. 

"Oh Michael..." Luke sits on the edge of the bed and takes Michael's hands in his own. They make Michael's look small, his fingers thin and his wrists bandaged. "No wonder you didn't say a word. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have been so blind-" his voice fades away and he flings his arms around Michael, burying his face in his neck. Michael feels hot tears and lets a few of his own slip out. 

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you try to leave me?" Luke cries.

"I poured everything out," Michael says. "And now I'm hollow."

"You gave me you when I needed it," Luke say softly. "So take me."

Michael clings to him. "My heart is always breaking," he says. 

Luke gently cups his face and then kisses him firmly. "I won't break it ever again," he swears. "It's safe with me."

 

 

 

The red lines fade until there are only faint white ones. His cheeks full out again. The only trace of heartbreak is the silver white scars, and they show only healing. 

The heart wants what the heart wants- and sometimes it gets it. 


End file.
